Recently, my friend asked me about how I've cut out dairy from my diet this month. He wondered if I was going vegan. I'm not there, at least, not yet. I'm still eating eggs. I've been vegetarian for four years and I've thought I may get to vegan eventually, but I love dairy. I love yogurt. I love cheese. I really love cheese. But I'm on a never-ending quest to understand and improve my skin, with its acne and eczema and overall sensitivity. Knowing that dairy is highly inflammatory for some, I decided to experiment by cutting it out this month and seeing what happened. I told my friend all this, but I also added in something along the lines of, "I don't want to be that person that's always like, 'Oh, I can't eat what everyone else is eating because I'm special and important!' I don't want to be a bother or an obstacle when I'm eating with everyone else. So no, I'm not going vegan, not yet." While I said all this, there was a vegan in the room. She was talking to someone else, but she may have overheard. If she did, she was probably offended. And she'd have every right to be.
I've thought about this for a while now. Is this really how I feel about vegans? Audacious, annoying, relentless in their moral superiority? That's how I made it sound. But honestly... I don't feel that way at all. I want to be one someday. I don't want to contribute to the heartless dairy or meat or egg industry whatsoever. I don't want there to be any blood on my plate. I deeply respect and admire vegans. I especially respect and admire the ones that own it. The ones who don't care what others think. The ones who calmly ask for a meat - and dairy-free meal at a restaurant, and don't shrink from the perceived annoyance of anyone else. Because honestly, it's their body, and their preferences. Why should anyone else have any say about how they choose to nourish themselves?
So it's really not that I have anything against vegans. As I continued to ponder the root of my commentary, as perplexed as if I weren't the very person who uttered the words, a realization suddenly hit me.
I'm afraid of being "too much."
I don't want any special attention drawn to me. I don't want to stand out in a social setting. I want to be chill, and easy, and problem-free. If people suggest getting pizza, I want to quickly and easily support the idea so as not to cause a disturbance. Why?
People have always asked me how to pronounce my name. They ask, "Is it kur-stin? Or keer-stin?" Until last year, I'd always shrug and say, with a little laugh, "It's keer-stin, but I take any version." Usually the other person would smile or laugh softly themselves. My name is challenging for a lot of people. It takes actual effort to pronounce. People have gotten it wrong my entire life. I've been called Kristin more times than I can count. But, out of my desire to be easy and problem-free, I thought that saying "anything goes!" made me seem chill, as if I was saying, "My name is not a problem. Don't you fret! I'm easy!"
Just last year, I realized that my denying it was a problem, was a problem. For me. It's my name. I prefer when people pronounce it correctly. So I stopped lying. "It's keer-stin, thank you for asking," I say now. And then people know. And they pronounce it correctly. Which, I realized with some shock, is also easy and chill and problem-free! Why had I been so reluctant for my entire life about this matter?!
So I go back to the question... why am I afraid of being too much? Of taking up space? Of taking a stand, of having strong opinions that I am not ashamed of, of having people correctly pronounce my name? Why have I lived my whole life considering an easy and problem-free existence to be better than one in which I actually live my truth? Live authentically? Live at all?!
As I've been pondering this matter, I have come to wonder if this is one of the reasons, or the main reason, why I've remained closeted about some of my identities to most of my family and even to some of my friends. I'm pansexual, and a spiritual/religious clusterfuck, but those identities aren't straight and Christian like the rest of my family and therefore, that's a problem. And I shrink even thinking about it. I don't want to cause a disturbance.
But I'm not living authentically.
Are my fears— of being too much, too loud, too opinionated— the result of internalized sexism? The messages we all get from culture tell us all that women aren't supposed to be those things. The more I think about it, the more I have to come to this conclusion. Yes. I have listened to these messages. I have acted accordingly. For my whole life. Even as a self-identifying feminist, I am brainwashed. It's going to take a lot of conscious unlearning to finally get to a point where I can live authentically. Where I can throw my fears and anxieties into the garbage can where they belong.
I have people in my life who truly love and support me no matter what. I could tell them anything and everything would be OK. They know the real me. I'm so fortunate. Since I have my people, I think it's just time to give no fucks. To be authentic. To own my identities and my desires and my decisions. Of course, this is MUCH easier said than done. But I want to get started. It's Keer-stin. I'm going to be vegan one day.
If I see the vegan person who I potentially offended again, and I hope I do because she's really cool, I will apologize. I will tell her all these things. But I hope she doesn't let me off the hook too easily. I need to be held accountable for the things I say and the fucked up shit I subconsciously believe despite all my proclamations of feminism.
Fuck the patriarchy.
Commentaires